Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Some Things I Don't Understand...

Not an unfamiliar sight at all, but there is still a way he can top himself...
After a looooooong wait, we're finally in the midst of NFL free agency...and what a joy it is! I'm not saying I haven't gotten any work done today, but I may or may not have checked ESPN and Twitter every 30 seconds. Really though, can you blame me? Unfounded rumors and wild speculations are rampant this afternoon, and I simply can't help myself!

The downside, of course, is that it's pointless for me to write anything about the NFL...you know, since the entire landscape of the league may have changed by the time I'm done writing! To the five people who read my crap, don't worry! Even though we'll be taking a one day break from talking football, I've got some other things in mind.

For whatever reason, I tend to think about many off the wall, eccentric things. Those of you who know me well can definitely attest to that. For example, many years ago, I came up with a "brilliant" idea to write a movie about an accountant. The movie would be called "Heath's Ledger" and it would star...well, Heath Ledger, of course. Unfortunately, that dream died...literally. (Too soon? Crap!)

That's only one example of the weird things I think about. Others include survival scenarios in case my brakes go out while I'm driving, best strategies for surviving a zombie apocalypse, and ways to avoid detection in case I'm being hunted by the CIA. In case you were wondering...yes, I know I have a problem. While those are (thankfully) the most extreme obsessions, there are many common, everyday things I kick around in my mind. In a way, I am a real life character from Seinfeld.

As I contemplate these utterly useless thoughts, my mind is always brought back to certain things that confound me. Thus, in lieu of an NFL post today, here are some things in life that I don't understand...

* I don't understand how more people don't get hurt in doorways. Confused? Let me explain. This morning, as I was reaching out to pull open the restroom door, somebody quickly flung open the door from the inside, narrowly missing my face. So, how do more people not take doors to the chin? Think about it. How many times have you arrived at a doorway at exactly the same time as another person? You're both preparing to open the door, you're both going in opposite directions, you're both probably going to open the door rather forcefully, and you're both unaware of the other persons presence. So where's all the "ineveitable" injuries? I suppose the correct answer is that you're supposed to stand off to the side when you open doors, but come on, not everyone does that. Most of the time, people walk right up to the door, and reach out for the handle. For the life of me, I will never understand how there aren't 50% more concussions in every large office building.

* I don't understand how there aren't more knee injuries in football. I know there's already quite a few, but after years of watching the game, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. Let's focus specifically on running backs. Chris Johnson of the Tennessee Titans carried the football 316 times last season. That means, for 316 seperate times, Johnson had 11 very large men chasing after him and him alone, with the intent to practically murder him. Now, this isn't quite as bad as it sounds since a lot of the tackles end up being solid, fundamental, wrap-him-up tackles. However, think about all the cornerbacks who suck at tackling and resort to taking out the ball carrier's legs! These guys lower their helmets and drive them directly at a player's legs! Doesn't it seem like they'd connect with a guys knee more often?

* I don't understand how basketball players don't constantly get their arms dunked through the hoop. You may or may not have considered this before, but it's become one of my biggest obsessions. Hopefully it becomes one of yours too! Imagine this scenario...Shaq performs one of his patented drop steps, rises up for a two hand slam, and begins the near instantaneous process of cocking the ball back and thundering it through the hoop. As he's nearing the descent of his dunk, some skinny forward...let's go with Channing Frye here...goes for the block and gets his full hand on the ball. Now, I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but Shaq is really, really strong. I mean, it's a good play and all for Frye to "block" the shot, but is he really going to impede Shaq's progress? And so, despite Frye's best attempts, Shaq powers the ball through the hoop, Frye's arm in tow. This scenario would obviously be horrific to see, but would it be too surprising? Would it be shocking if Dwight Howard snapped Andrea Bargnani's arm off at the elbow on a two hand alley-oop? Fact is, I think it's shocking we have yet to see this.

* I don't understand why people can't use their freaking turn signals!!! They were put on the car for a reason! Seriously, how hard is it to flip your left turn signal on when you're turning left? Is it that much of an extra effort to reach up and flip a switch? Goodness gracious people, just use them! Or else...

* I don't understand how basketball players don't land on other players' feet more often. This can be applied to any level of basketball; NBA, NCAA, city league, or local open gym. In a typical five on five game, there's twenty individual feet out on the floor. At higher levels of basketball, each foot is approximately the size of a small building. With all the leaping and running, how is that players are able to avoid those mammoth clown feet? As surprising as that is, I'm surprised this isn't more common at my Wednesday night open gym. Anyone who's ever played a lot of pickup basketball knows that the lane is almost always overcrowded with lazy defenders and rebounders. With so many feet around, and with so many unathletic/awkward players jostling around for the ball, it's shocking that anyone makes it out of there with their ankles intact. That reminds me, while we're talking about this...

* I don't understand how NBA players don't constantly land on the ball after dunks. When Lebron James dunks, he's not barely squeeking the ball over the rim and into the hoop...he's eye level with the rim, throwing the ball straight down into the basket. Most players don't get as high as Lebron, but nearly all of them are throwing it straight down in the very same manner. Not surprisingly, the force of their dunks propels the ball through the basket and to the floor faster than they can land. How then, do they ALWAYS avoid landing on the ball? Can they see where the ball is? Can they intentionally avoid landing on it? Is the ball bouncing away too fast? Perhaps I need to watch some more YouTube videos to figure this out, because I feel like I must be missing something. In all the years I've been watching basketball, I've never seen one person land on the ball. Not a single one! Even if this thought is mostly lunacy, shouldn't Vince Carter have torn his ACL doing this before? At least one time? I mean, if anybody could...

There are, of course, many other dumb things I think about. Maybe someday, when I'm bored and I have nothing to write about, I'll post some more of them. Of course, maybe this is the dumbest idea I've ever had and nobody will want me to do so again. Then again, maybe there are lots of other people who think about dumb things like this. As always, you're welcome to comment on this and express any dumb ideas that you may have. Believe me, I'd love to hear them!


  1. Great insights my friend you are sick though, that is for sure. How about somehow using all of their energy for just one dunk and then actually dying from the exertion (I will do it someday!!). I am proud to say I have seen one Vince Carter game live, he got hurt in the second quarter and didn't finish the game!!!

  2. To be fair, you had about a 50% of seeing that when you bought the ticket.

  3. can we invent a sabermetric stat for the one about landing on feet and see how crazy inflated Bruce Bowen's stats are? And one for flopping and see Manu Ginobili's? And one for being a player who can literally only play in one system and is otherwise useless being overrated and see Tony Parker? PS...my zombie survival strategy is a boat with a water purification system and a vegetable garden...with some manner of harpoon or spear for defense.

  4. 1. Tony Parker's success has nothing to do with system. He's insanely quick and he can't be stopped off the dribble.

    2. Here's my thoughts on the boat strategy. You would need to have a large vessel that is also comfortable. A cruise ship is way too big as maintenance and ship defense would be too much of a problem. You'd need a large sailing boat that is capable of housing people (there are going to be some survivors in your party), storing supplies, and maintaining gardening/fishing operations. You'd ideally want to be in a low turbulence area, docked just offshore in some kind of bay. Maybe the Chesapeake Bay would be a good place. This is a good idea because you would be close enough to land to dock and obtain supplies if need be, and you would be far enough from sea to minimize risk of storm damage. Unfortunately, on a whole, the boat survival strategy is impractical longterm. Over crowding and under supply are going to quickly become issues, as is sanitation and proper shelter. Within a rather short period of time, maintenance issues will arise. Unfortunately, the crew will be ill prepared for a large scale land operation. Here's the best option...

    As we know, zombies have their limitations, and you must use them to your advantage. Speed and smarts are your main advantages in this survival strategy. The first key is obtaining proper means of defense and transportation. Heavily populated areas present the promise of large amounts of supplies, but they are also going to be the most densely packed zombie areas. Instead, you want to head out into back country land. There will be a much smaller concentration of zombies, allowing you to easily move about and loot houses for weapons (and every country person has guns), food, and fuel. Once you've got weapons and fuel, you need to acquire a suitable means of transportation. Keep in mind, you will need to have something with excellent power and enough space to carry large amounts of supplies. I would suggest a large SUV, such as a Tahoe. Obtain as much fuel as possible, and keep driving to a minimum so as to conserve as much as you can. After you've completed your mission of looting the countryside, you will need to seek out survivors. There may not be many, but there are bound to be some around. Keeping as far from populated areas as possible, you need to get a decent size party of a couple dozen people. Another great aspect of the countryside is that there is always some secluded, gated mansion. This is perfect! Make this mansion your home base, continue looting the countryside for weapons, fuel, food, and generators, and begin organizing proper wall defense around the perimeter. Another good idea is to acquire some sort of short wave radio to try and contact any other possible survivors. Over time, your party should grow and you should have the makings of a small army. After awhile, you'll need to extend your supply runs into small towns so you can have access to small grocery stores where canned goods, etc. will easily feed your people. Once you reach 50-75 people, you need to bolster your defenses and build additional fortifications. The zombies may have great numbers, but they are incapable of attacking advanced fortifications. You will literally have an impregnable fortress. Of course, along with a mansion comes plenty of land. It will stretch your defenses thin, but it also provides you with suitable areas for farming/gardening. In doing this, you will quickly have a self sustainable "city" to slowly re-start and re-populate the earth. As time goes along, and you acquire more people, you can start forming an organized military to systematically wipe out the zombie population in various areas. Slowly, you will open up more available land and take back the country.

  5. Alright Landrum, I know we have talked about this before, but if anything crazy like this happens you are obviously getting out of Columbus as quickly as possible. You can come to where I live if you want. As soon as I find out something weird is going on I'm racing to Lofino's, which is less than a mile from my house, and filling my car with supplies. There is also a gas station in the parking lot so I can fill up containers with fuel. You could get to my house at about the same time I'm finished looting and we could decide what to do from there. I live in a much smaller town, so we could start out by barricading ourselves, and other survivors, in a grocery store for some time, or head straight for the country. My neighborhood is full of old people, and when the zombies come old people and fatties are obviously the first ones to go down, so my house isn't the best place to take shelter. There is plenty of open land not far from my house, but we would need to arm ourselves with weapons pretty quickly. I don't own any guns, but since I love various sports I have a few baseball bats and hockey sticks to start us out.

  6. Once it hits, you won't have time to go to Lofino's. You'll want to hoof it out of there as quick as possible. There's a lot of open country out in the Jamestown area. It's a small population, there's plenty of farmers that are sure to have weapons sitting around, and there's some small convenience stores/gas stations to loot. We'll need to set up a camp in a wide open field so the zombies won't catch us by surprise. Who knows how many survivors there will be with us at that point (probably not many yet) so we'll need to alternate night watch shifts.

  7. Also, I'll make sure to bring my golf clubs to use as weapons.

  8. I'm assuming that the virus or whatever is going to hit some big city, and there will be a news report. I figure it won't originate in my town, and I will have some time, at least an hour or two to prepare. I don't figure that I'll wake up one morning and half of the world's population will be zombies. If that does happen though I obviously won't be stopping anywhere close for supplies. Golf clubs are good weapons too, at least I'll be able to put mine to good use since I suck at golf.

  9. There may be a news report, but you'll be too busy playing Elder Scrolls.

  10. I would say that you should call me and let me know about the zombies as soon as you find out, but you know I'll just end up ignoring your call.

  11. As always...I don't even know why I'm friends with you.

  12. Oh man, I can personally attest that Jon talks about an arm getting dunked nonstop!!! But even I, a non-basketball fan, had wondered the same thing after just seeing a few dunks. It's an obvious conclusion! It's GOING to happen one day!

    As for landing on the ball... on a similar note, I can never figure out why the ball doesn't come down on a guy's crotch and severely injure his special place. Think about it - many of these NBA guys love to hold onto the rim as their entire lower body swings under the hoop... putting their precious jewels in the direct line of fire. Seriously, ever since I can remember, I've always wondered how these guys can do that and not seem nervous at all about their crotch flying under the rim as they thrust the ball down toward it. I mean, that's why you don't see me dunking... you know... cuz otherwise I totally would...

  13. "Special place?" What are you, six years old?