Thursday, April 26, 2012

Final Draft Thoughts: Best Case/Worst Case

Don't get LeGarrette upset, Tampa Bay!
Finally, after weeks of endless speculating and posturing, the wait is over and the NFL draft commences tonight. With trade talks heating up all over the league, it really is hard to foresee how this first round will shape up past the first two picks. That in mind, here are best case/worst case scenarios for each team (or as many teams as I fit in before I get bored):

(Warning: These may or may not all be serious. I mean, come on, haven’t we all heard everything in painful detail by now? Let’s have some fun with this.)

Indianapolis Colts

Best Case: A random Washington Redskins administrative assistant casually comments that “it’s exciting to get the second best QB in the draft,” sending Dan Snyder into a panicked, ego driven craze. He immediately calls Ryan Grigson and offers the #2 pick, Brian Orakpo, Ryan Kerrigan, Trent Williams, and every draft pick until 2018 for the right to take Luck.

Worst Case: The Colts fall asleep at the wheel and pull a Minnesota Vikings. They forget to turn in the card! They then watch in horror as the Redskins rush up to the podium to take Luck. Fortunately for them, the actual Minnesota Vikings, picking at #3, still haven’t figured out how this whole draft thing works.

Washington Redskins

Best Case: One of Dan Snyder’s decisions actually works out.

Worst Case: They are the Redskins.

Minnesota Vikings

Best Case: Tampa Bay decides it can’t live without a slightly better version of the RB they already have, and offers way too much for the right to move from #5 to #3. Since Cleveland is not in the market for a LT, Matt Kalil falls to Minnesota.

Worst Case: Zygi Wilf decides to use the draft as a “hostage situation,” declaring to the city that they have until the end of the clock to approve a favorable stadium deal. Not surprisingly, the Vikings end up with no draft picks.

Cleveland Browns

Best Case: Cleveland is able to trade down with Miami (or someone in that neighborhood) and still land Michael Floyd. Look, if they’re not sold on Justin Blackmon at #4, that’s fine. But you can’t take Trent Richardson! Can’t do it! I’ve felt very strongly about Michael Floyd for some time now, and it seems like a win-win for the Browns to get both the additional assets they need, and the potential #1 receiver this offense craves.

Worst Case: Trent Richardson or Ryan Tannehill. I’ve already covered this before, so I’ll leave it be. Just know that it’s Cleveland we’re talking about, so pretty much anything they do will probably turn into a worst case scenario.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Best Case: Cleveland stupidly takes Trent Richardson, or the Jets stupidly trade up to #3 for Richardson, thus preventing them from making the most idiotic draft pick of the night. Seriously, why do they need uber-LeGarrette Blount when their defense gave up 100 PPG last year? At least if Richardson is gone, they can clear their mind and take a player that might actually be worthwhile to them.

Worst Case: Immediately after the selection of Richardson, an irate LeGarrette Blount sneaks up on stage and sucker punches Richardson in the temple. The blow immediately ends Richardson’s career due to concussions.

St. Louis Rams

Best Case: ‘Crazy’ Dan Snyder offers a million first round picks for the #2 overall pick…wait, what’s that? This already happened? My bad. Moving on.

Worst Case: The Vikings stay put and take Kalil, the Browns wise up and take Blackmon, and the Bucs defensive coordinator convinces the team to take Morris Claiborne after holding a gun to Mark Dominik’s head and screaming “YOU GOTTA GET ME SOME HELP” for ten straight minutes. This leaves the Rams with the sixth pick in a five player draft.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Best Case: The team trades the pick for the right to get out of their awful lease situation, allowing them to finally move to LA.

Worst Case: The Jaguars stay in Jacksonville and stick with Blaine Gabbart (aka BADGAB). So basically, business as usual.

Miami Dolphins

Best Case: Somebody, anybody, trades ahead of them for Tannehill. This would force them to take an actual NFL player.

Worst Case: Owner Stephen Ross, who is reportedly in love with Tannehill, clears the War Room and personally trades five first round picks to get Tannehill at #3. The team later learns that the rest of the league actually hated Tannehill, and that they were in on a collective joke to see just how dumb the Dolphins are.

Carolina Panthers

Best Case: Since Cam Newton avoided the Madden cover, I’m going say the Panthers have already nailed their best case scenario.

Worst Case: The team selects Dontari Poe at #9, who subsequently eats Cam Newton.

Buffalo Bills

Best Case: Buffalo drafts a time machine that allows them to go back and fix all the horrid mistakes they’ve made over the last 15 years. In this alternate reality, Wade Phillips is never the coach, Doug Flutie starts over Rob Johnson, and Trent Edwards is mysteriously abducted while in high school, never to be seen again.

Worst Case: Their recent first round picks include C.J. Spiller, Aaron Maybin, Eric Wood, Leodis McKelvin, John McCargo, J.P. Losman, Mike Williams, and Erik Flowers. Worst case scenario is that Buffalo makes a first round pick, period.

Kansas City Chiefs

Best Case: Either Fletcher Cox or Dontari Poe (or both) are available to them at #11. I know Kuechly seems like the consensus choice, but KC needs talent up front in the worst way possible. Tyson Jackson and Glenn Dorsey haven’t exactly turned out, so getting either Cox or Poe is a must in my mind.

Worst Case: Tannehill falls to KC, who feels obligated to take them. But hey, they wasted all kinds of money on Matt Cassell, so why not waste a bunch on another overrate QB!

Seattle Seahawks

Best Case: At least one of Quinton Coples, Fletcher Cox, or Melvin Ingram is still there at #12. Seattle’s defense was its strong point last season, but some additional push up front would be welcome. Plus, any of those three pass rushers would offer great value at #3…certainly more value than an ILB.

Worst Case: Michelle Obama somehow manages to get Skittles outlawed, thus ending Seattle’s chances. That, or Tarvaris Jackson is actually the famed Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinterception, who uses his Jedi powers to mind trick Pete Carroll into starting him another season. Not sure what this has to do with the draft, but it seems like it fits under ‘Worst Case.’

Arizona Cardinals

Best Case: Andy Reid’s conscience causes him to offer the #15 pick for Kevin Kolb.

Worst Case: The Cardinals get their hopes up after Tannehill starts sliding, but their spirits are crushed after Seattle takes him one spot in front of them. Out of sheer panic, Arizona selects Brandon Weeden, who immediately becomes the oldest QB on the roster. Afterwards, in a symbolic gesture, the Cardinals hire Chris Weinke to be QB coach.

Dallas Cowboys

Best Case: A bad batch of Botox sidelines Jerry Jones for the draft’s opening round, allowing actual football people to make football decisions.

Worst Case: Jason Garrett is the “football person” who ends up making the football decisions. Not surprisingly, he mismanages the draft clock and calls a timeout right before the guy with the draft card heads out to deliver it to Goodell. And then Tony Romo hands the card to another team. And the Cowboys lose. Again.

OK, I’m bored and depressed. Let’s end this before it gets too out of hand. Good luck making through the work day, and try not to get caught looking at a mock draft on your computer.

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