Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dear IOC: Please consider these new "sports" for 2016

Look, even if you don't like my ideas for new sports, at least design a logo that doesn't look like something my 3 year old would draw.

The 2012 London Olympics is quickly drawing to a close, and I must admit…I’m bored. You heard right! Bored! As in, “oh my gosh, my eardrums are going to burst if I have to hear Tim Daggett explain point deductions one more time” bored. 

It’s not that I hate the Olympics or anything; it’s just that, apart from men’s basketball and Usain Bolt’s uncanny Roadrunner impersonation, there isn’t much out there for me. But even for those who happen to like swimming, gymnastics, and various other obscure sports you’ll only see once every four years, any sports fan in or around my demographic can admit that the Olympics could use a little spicing up.

Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I’m here to do today. Let’s take the Olympics we love and make them a bit more engaging for immature, childish men like myself. Below is a list of potential new “sports” I’d like to propose to the IOC. They are most definitely out of the box, but I have no doubt they’d quickly find their way to your DVR. So, while your wife is busy watching 12 year old Chinese girls fall off the balance beam, you can take part in the most sophomoric Olympic events in the history of mankind. Please, hold the applause!

Competitive Eating

This one has to be a given, right? I mean, who doesn’t like seeing large men stuff enormous quantities of food in their mouth? However, I’m thinking something much bigger than just the standard hot dog eating contest. In total, my proposal contains up to five specific eating events.

1. Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest – Excluding this contest from the ‘Competitive Eating’ banner would be akin to removing The Masters from golf. It has to be there, pure and simple. And really, why shouldn’t it be? The popularity of it has grown exponentially over the last decade or so, to the point where ESPN is now airing the contest and showing replays on Sportscenter. There are even hot dog eating “celebrities” like Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Why not take this “sport” to the next level and make it an Olympic event? Seriously, is it any less “sporty” than synchronized swimming? (No. The answer is no, by the way.)

2. Ribs Eating Contest – Same concept as the hot dog contest; volume. Let’s see who can stuff the most amount of food in their face. The key difference between this contest and the hot dog contest would be in the execution. Whereas the hot dog contest involved eating the most dogs in an allotted amount of time, the ribs contest would be done in rounds. For example, each contestant would eat one half rack of ribs per round, and would have a set amount of time to do so. After the clock expires, the judges would examine to make sure the contestant sufficiently ate the ribs. Those who were able to do so would move on to the second round, and this would continue until one man is left standing. This contest, in contrast to the hot dog contest, adds a bit more one-on-one intrigue. Seriously, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t be glued to the TV.

3. Hot Wings Eating Contest – While the hot dog and ribs eating contests are about sheer volume, the hot wings contest tests a totally different kind of eating discipline. Trust me, these wings will be freaking hot. Ghost chile hot, if need be. While there are still a few kinks to be worked out in terms of execution (is there a time limit, is there a set amount of wings, is volume going to be involved), I have no doubt this will be an amazing sight to watch. In fact, I think I speak for every red-blooded American when I say this very well could be the most important event for our country.

4. Team Eating Relay – One guy on hot dogs, one guy on ribs, and one guy on wings. Which country is the most gluttonous?

5. Eating All-Around – The highlight event of Competitive Eating! I’m picturing a massive plate of varied foods, and the first person to finish wins the gold. There’ll be a large steak, a rack of ribs, 20 hot wings, 10 hot dogs, a pound of fries, a couple pounds of crab legs – this challenge is starting to sound really tasty. Let’s move on before I drool on the keyboard.


If water polo can be an Olympic sport, then there’s no reason paintball can’t be. You can’t convince me that Olympic paintball wouldn’t be one of the most watched events in 2016, should it somehow be included. I know I’d watch every second of it.

Let’s take this a step further, shall we? What if we did paintball, but Hunger Games style?! A large tract of land would be fenced off and covered with cameras, giving us the opportunity to watch a more intense, almost military style form of paintball. Not only that, but each individual player would be fitted with a camera somewhere on their person, and NBC could allow us to watch whatever feed we wanted over the internet. To recoup the cost of doing this, the IOC could sell advertising space all over the “arena” and on the players clothing. Crazy, yes. Possible…probably not.

Siege Warfare

My initial idea was to do a “Boarding a Ship, Pirate Style” type of contest, but there were just too many logistical problems. Like, who provides the crew of the ship being boarded, what kind of ships are we using, and how can you “defeat” someone without actually killing them. Also, there was the slight issue of potential drowning. Until I work those out, the idea is on the back burner. In its place, though, is something almost as good; SIEGE WARFARE!

To be fair, there are also some logistical issues with this. Again, who is the besieger and who is the besieged? Even more problematic is just how far the “siege” needs to be taken. Are we talking a hokey type of siege involving a tree fort and Nerf guns, or are we going all out. The answer? All out, baby! 

My vision of the event would require the construction of a fairly decent sized motte and bailey. The besiegers would have a set amount of time to take the fortress and raise their country’s banner over the keep. Still not sure how to do this without anyone actually getting killed, but I’m willing to work with it.

Sniper Shooting

This one I’m actually very serious about. The Olympics feature all kinds of shooting events, but somehow leaves out the most deadly and feared form of marksmanship in the entire world. I don’t want to see guys shooting air rifles from close range, I want to see guys shooting Barrett M82’s at targets a mile away! 

Those are just a few of my insane ideas…trust me, there’s plenty more. I’m sure I’m not the only one with crazy ideas, though. What are some new Olympic events you’d like to see?

1 comment:

  1. I think we need to amend the competitive eating contest to not be quite so 'murrica-centric. Much in line with your idea of the "all-around," different nations' foods can be different events, then the all-around is a plate filled with hot dogs, a pound of mexican rice, a healthy portion of pad thai, maybe some escargot for the french...see who has the true digestive tract of steel.