Friday, April 1, 2011

BDT -- Oscars Reset 2002

Welcome to 2002; the garbage pile of movie seasons

While our pace has slowed to the crawl of an old man with two broken legs; we are undeterred. Though it has become apparent the 2012 Oscars is closer than the completion of our project; we are not discouraged. After all, what else are we going to do with our time? It's not like Casey has his first kid due in a couple weeks or anything. It's not like that won't take up nearly every waking moment of his life for the foreseeable future. It's not like Casey won't be covered in snot and throw up 50% of the time. Nope...nothing going on. (aka. don't expect the 2003 Oscars Reset for quite some time...) That having been said, THE 2002 OSCARS!
Recap: Casey and I are imagining ourselves as minor deities. We have gone back in time and have the authority to pick the Oscars, with hindsight in mind, the way they should have been picked. We started with 2000 and we are working our way towards last year. If you missed 2000 and 2001, then you can click on the links below and catch up!

Opening Comments:

Jon: Well, I'm not sure how you're feeling after the beat down I put on you in 2001, but I have a feeling you'll come back strong this year. You've already strong armed me on some of the nominations and, believe me, I'm gonna let you hear about those! By the way, can you name me a worse year for movies? Sure, there were a few good ones, but overall this is a giant crap fest. It's like watching a Browns game...and Britney Spears' movie 'Crossroads' gets to play the role of Jake Delhomme.

Casey: There have been some epically bad years in past decades, but getting into that is a whole different story considering different eras of film. As far as the modern era, I'm tempted to point to 2005 or 2006, but then each of those years you at least have one epically awesome film like 'The Departed' or 'Crash'...but then again, I feel the same way about this year. You're just a slacker and you haven't seen the few good films this year (besides the 'best movies')!

Jon: I'm working on it! I will have seen those films ('Adaptation' actually) before we get to their categories! Besides, it's hard for me to take you too seriously when you're trying to throw 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' into the Best Movie category. Either way, you can't blame me for assuming a Nicolas Cage movie would be bad. DRIVE ANGRY!!!

Casey: I guess I can give you a pass on account of the Nicolas Cage thing. Unfortunately, it does look like several of this year's categories are going to come down to choosing between a piece of poop and a slightly smaller but more smelly piece of poop. Maybe we should bring in Jim Harbaugh to help, as he'll be making a similar decision this year in choosing a quarterback for my 'Niners.

Best Comedy 

Nominations:    Austin Powers in Goldmember                          
                           My Big Fat Greek Wedding                          
                           Undercover Brother   
                           Ice Age
                           About Schmidt

Jon: Austin Powers in Goldmember
Casey: Austin Powers in Goldmember

Jon: First of all, I want to make it very clear to everyone that you, Casey, are responsible for nominating 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding.' I argued vehemently against it and I take no responsibility for it being on this list. You know...because it sucked and it wasn't funny. However, to your credit Casey, there really weren't a lot of options. Honestly, we should have just put Austin Powers up there and nominated nothing else.

Casey: I am equally shocked you overlooked one of your all-time favorites this year; 'Boat Trip!' Seriously, how could Austin Powers not win this year? How hard were you laughing when the plate of asparagus showed up out of nowhere and he decides he might as well try some?! Oh man, I don't even care if I'm accused of being juvenile (mainly by my wife), this movie killed me -- I literally couldn't breathe during parts.

Jon: Look, there's no doubt about it; I am extremely juvenile. You don't even need to ask my wife! I'll just come out with it! The asparagus part was amazing, but I prefer the scene where Michael Myers pokes Fred Savage's mole with the stick. YOU CAN'T FIND ANYTHING FUNNIER THAN A MOLE GETTING POKED WITH A STICK! PURE GENIUS! (By the way, I'm just ignoring your stupid 'Boat Trip' comment...)

Casey: You only like the mole scene because I have a mole on my face in the exact same place and you love to do that to me! Of course, who am I to disagree -- that scene is hilarious (and even after all these years, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still entertained every time you do this). Well, looks like we're off to a great start on our 'debate' -- no semblance of arguing yet, as all we've done is agree with each other. Oh well, that's what you get in a year more full of crap than Barry Bonds under oath.

Score: Jon 1 Casey 1 (A point each for mentioning really funny scenes)

Best Actor in a Comedy 

Nominations:    Michael Myers (Austin Powers)                         
                           Michael Myers (Dr. Evil)                          
                           Michael Myers (Goldmember)   
                           Michael Myers (Fat Bastard)
                           Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G Indahouse)

Jon: Michael Myers (Dr. Evil)
Casey: Michael Myers (Austin Powers)

Casey: Seriously, how did this happen? In case the reader is wondering, Jon and I actually did attempt to do real nominees for this category...the problem is, when it came down to it, Myers in any one of these roles was actually more deserving than the others. I will note I had to cast aside my secret love for Rob Schneider (he played a woman! Take that Mel Gibson!), but Adam Sandler playing himself for the hundredth time and Jack Nicholson in what was really more of a dramatic role just didn't cut it here. So, Jon, are we actually supposed to pick one of the roles?

Jon: Of course we're supposed to pick one of the roles! Are you not taking this seriously?! Personally, I gotta go with Dr. Evil here. I'm not actually sure I have a logical defense of that pick; I just laugh at him more. Actually, after your stupid Rob Schneider admission, I kinda hope you fall into a tank full of frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. (True story: Mel Gibson is going to be playing a beaver puppet this year! Take that Rob Schneider!)

Casey: Hahaha, I forgot about that stupid beaver puppet movie! I can't wait for that to come out! Anyway, I think I'll have to go with Austin Powers -- call me unoriginal, but he's still amazing and I think Myers continued to develop his character in this movie. His stupidity reached new levels, especially when he demolishes an entire room with Mini-Me in a pillowcase; a scene I still can't stop myself from laughing at! Oh, and did I mention the asparagus?

Jon: OK, fine, you're unoriginal. (Me desperately trying to form a debate out of this...not working). I like when he hurls Mini-Me into the refrigerator. Of course, the very next scene is the mole scene! Also, I love when he's talking with the Japanese business guy and they keep misunderstanding each other because the subtitles are off. I'm pretty sure I could just name every scene and it would be funny. Let's move on...(by the way, I can wait for the Mel Gibson beaver movie to come out)

Score: Jon 2 Casey 0 (A pretty clear negative point for admitting Rob Schneider love. Could have been more negative points!)

Best Supporting Actor

Nominations:    Chris Cooper (Adaptation.)                      
                           John C. Reilly (Chicago)                       
                           Tom Hanks (Catch Me If You Can)   
                           Ed Harris (The Hours)
                           Nicholas Hault (About a Boy)

Actual Winner: Chris Cooper (Adaptation.)

Jon: Chris Cooper (Adaptation.)
Casey: Chris Cooper (Adaptation.)

Jon: Man, I really didn't want to go first on this one. Such a hard pick! You have to understand, I have a really soft spot in my heart for both Tom Hanks and 'Catch Me If You Can.' I tried really hard to justify giving Hanks this award, but after seeing 'Adaptation' last night, I have to be real. Chris Cooper was awesome. And he had no front teeth. Though, I did award negative points for having to see him naked...

Casey: I'm so glad you loved Chris Cooper! For all the readers ou there who don't already know this, I LOVE CHRIS COOPER!!! He is my favorite supporting actor of all-time. Stay with me here -- when I say that, I don't mean this individual role. This guy has pretty much made a career of having amazing supporting roles in great films. In some cases, when the film isn't great, he still is! Let him be naked, I don't care -- I'll take him over Kathy Bates any day! (Of course, I'd probably take Al Davis' naked corpse over Kathy Bates...)

Jon: Take it easy Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while? Maybe sit the next couple plays out, if you know what I mean.

Casey: If you're saying you don't think Chris Cooper and I should get an apartment together...I respectfully disagree! Of course, I don't know how I'd break it to Leo DiCaprio. Hey man, if you're afraid of Chris Cooper's nudity in this film, then you probably won't want to see the new commercial he's working on with Tim Tebow.

Score: Jon 3 Casey -3 ("Let him be naked, I don't care." Pretty clear negative points there.)

Best Actress

Nominations:    Nicole Kidman (The Hours)               
                           Alison Lohman (White Oleander)                 
                           Naomi Watts (The Ring)  
                           Meryl Streep (Adaptation.)
                           Julianne Moore (The Hours)

Actual Winner: Nicole Kidman (The Hours)

Jon: Naomi Watts (The Ring)
Casey: Alison Lohman (White Oleander)

Casey: This is a tough one, because the majority of female acting this year was all done in two films. We easily could have nominated Streep for 'The Hours' too, but we like to limit it to one nom per actress we both despise. 'The Hours' was a wonderful collection of three very talented actresses' works all converging -- the only problem was there was no one performance of those three that really stood out to me among the others. On the other hand, Alison Lohman, at the age of 22, absolutely stood out among another collection of powerful female acting in 'White Oleander.' She demonstrated a wide array of emotions spread over a sea of bizarre but believable modern experiences -- it was a wonderful thing to watch. Please, Jon, why don't you tell us what you thought of the performances in these two films?

Jon: Umm...well...umm...err...yeah...sure. Oh whatever, I got Naomi Hotts! Because she's...HOT!!! (Clearly I haven't seen either of the other two chick-ish films)

Casey: True, Naomi Watts was really good in 'The Ring.' I actually gave her some serious consideration, but I just had to go with the more dramatic performance by an amazing young talent (who, by the way, isn't bad-looking herself). Go ahead and pass on 'White Oleander.' It was rather chick-ish, and let's face it, the last thing we needed to see this year was more Renee Zellweger -- who still hasn't even seen the movie herself because she can't open her eyes all the way! But do see 'The Hours' someday. If nothing else, we get to see Jeff Daniels in a role where he isn't crapping himself shamelessly.

Jon: Did I say anything about giving Naomi Watts the award because she was good?

Score: Jon 3 Casey -2 (Casey earns a point back with a solid Renee Zellweger dig.)

Best Actor

Nominations:    Adrien Brody (The Pianist)           
                           Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York)                 
                           Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt)
                           Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)
                           Robin Williams (One Hour Photo)

Actual Winner: Adrien Brody (The Pianist) Jon: 

Adrien Brody (The Pianist)
Casey: Adrien Brody (The Pianist)

Jon: I will accept no arguments for this one. None at all. Seriously, I will punch you in the throat if you challenge me! That goes for all of you!!! (Unless you're bigger than me...breathing...calming down) I really did like Nicolas Cage in 'Adaptation' and the surprise of the group is Robin Williams. The movie is crappy but he freaked me out! As a quick aside, can we have a moment of silence for the mysterious and tragic disappearance of Brody and Cage's careers?

Casey: Believe me, I tried. What a great year for acting! What's most awesome here is that each of these roles was incredibly different and great in their own ways. I wanted to make a case for Cage (he did play TWO people...), but honestly, Brody was too good. There were times during the film I thought he might actually drop dead!

Jon: Don't worry; his career DID drop dead after the movie. Quick! What's worse, Adrien Brody ending up in 'Predators' or Nicolas Cage ending up in 'Drive Angry?'

Casey: Off the top of my head I'd have to pick...secret option #3: 'Wrecked.' Coming soon to a theater near you, Adrien Brody stars as a character currently listed in IMDB's credits as 'Man.' Brought to you by French Canadian director Michael Greenspan, director of...oh, uh, nothing.Co-starring Montreal native Caroline Dhavernas, best known for her work in Shyamalan's latest aberration, 'Devil.' Get your tickets now, folks, before they sell out!

Score: Jon 3 Casey 1 (Lots of points awarded for the research there. I just love that he's listed as 'Man.')

Best Director

Nominations:    Roman Polanski (The Pianist)    
                           Martin Scorcese (Gangs of New York)            
                           Spike Jonze (Adaptation.)
                           Stephen Daldry (The Hours)
                           Alexander Payne (About Schmidt)

Actual Winner: Roman Polanski (The Pianist) 

Jon: Roman Polanski (The Pianist)
Casey: Roman Polanski (The Pianist)

Casey: Can someone PLEASE tell me why Polanski, a convicted sex offender still hiding out in Europe to this day, was deemed worthy of Best Director for 'The Pianist,' yet Chicago was more worthy of Best Picture that year?! I believe this is where the Academy really started to lose their minds. Honestly, I think I could have given this Oscar to just about any of the nominees, minus Alexander Payne (whom I am secretly in love with and I somehow convinced Jon to include as the fifth nominee! Yay!). I'm giving it to Polanski because he made a lot of things come together to give this film the emotional impact it was going to need to succeed.

Jon: I sincerely considered going with Spike Jonze, but there's just something about Polanski's work that I can't overlook. No, not that kind of work! It's really hard for me to explain, except to say the movie was just beautiful. Unlike Casey, who cries during political documentaries, it takes a lot for me to be emotionally moved. 'The Pianist' is so emotionally charged and so impactful. It wasn't even like watching a movie; it was like looking out your window and seeing it happen for yourself. Amazing job by Polanski to pull this off. Sadly, giving him this award is like celebrating Michael Jackson's life in a documentary that totally ignores his little kid problem...oh wait.

Casey: Wow, I thought I was being harsh on Polanski! I totally tried to give it to Jonze too, but can I do that in all sincerity when I have the following nine years in hindsight to work with? This guy can't even find himself a real name, let alone a feature-length film project to work on. He basically disappeared overnight -- Hollywood booted him out the door Bruce Pearl style!

Jon: I just looked Jonze up on IMDB. His resume is even more underwhelming than the Cincinnati Bengals draft history! Instead of just one David Klingler, there are six! Yep, Polanski it is. Hey, by the way, when does the debate start...did I miss it?

Score: Jon 4 Casey 1 (He gets his director nominated, I get a point. Fair trade.)

Best Picture

Nominations:    The Pianist
                           Gangs of New York       
                           The Hours
                           About Schmidt

Actual Winner: Chicago 

Jon: The Pianist
Casey: The Pianist

Jon: Seriously Academy? 'Chicago?' Really? Do you think they even took time to watch 'The Pianist?' Here's my theory; they all watched 'Chicago' first, then watched 'About Schmidt' and gouged their eyes out after having to see Kathy Bates' boobs. It's really the only thing that explains this! Seriously, am I overrating 'The Pianist' or something because it's honestly one of the most amazing movies I've ever seen.

Casey: As believable as your theory is, I do have a real theory about this. Article IV, Section III of 'The Academy Politics Manual' clearly stipulates that a war film must be snubbed in at least one major category when our country is in the midst of a controversial war. But again, why wouldn't you kill two birds with one stone and deny Polanski the Best Director Oscar instead? And yeah, good point about the 'debate'...have we been hanging out too much?

Jon: Seriously, you might be onto something with your wartime theory. That must be why 'Saving Private Ryan' got absolutely screwed. Though, I think my theory deserves more credence. Much more realistic. By the way, we can never hang out enough Casey! BFF's!!! Uh...what? Wait...I didn't...

Casey: Jon, for the last time, I will not go on a Boat Trip with you! I think we need to move on past this category before you go all Robin Williams on me. There's no denying your theory is the more realistic of the two though.

Score: Jon 5 Casey 1 (My theory was better....)

Best Movie

Nominations:    Catch Me If You Can
                           LOTR: The Two Towers    
                           Minority Report
                           The Ring
                           Austin Powers in Goldmember 

Jon: Catch Me If You Can
Casey: The Ring

Casey: I don't know whether this choice will be viewed as crazy or logical, but let me give you my simple explanation: BEST HORROR MOVIE EVER! I'm not even a big fan of horror, but I was just so thrilled to see a great horror film that was well done in every aspect. After seeing this movie, I literally could not be in the same room as a TV making 'white noise' for at least six months. I would have rather been in a night club with Pacman Jones.

Jon: Are you seriously picking 'The Ring?' I mean, I love 'The Ring,' but you can't possibly pick it over 'Catch Me If You Can!' It had great acting (LEO!!!), an awesome story, and it's extremely re-watchable. I don't know that I've ever met someone who doesn't like 'Catch Me If You Can.' Yet, you pick 'The Ring?' A horror movie? Come on! Seriously?

Casey: Take it easy there, Spielberg. I LOVE 'Catch Me If You Can' -- and don't pretend you don't know that! Like I said, 'The Ring' was the best horror movie I've ever seen. And re-watchable? Well, if I didn't pee my pants every time I watch it, I would say 'The Ring' is incredibly re-watchable! Plus, I seem to recall someone scurrying to the corner and shaking during the movie like Jake Delhomme in a two-minute drill. Don't make me bring up Samara, Jon!

Jon: The person you're recalling is, in fact, you! You've already essentially admitted to crying during Steven Seagal movies, so there's no need to denigrate yourself further. And really, how am I supposed to take your word that you love  'Catch Me If You Can' when you pick a horror movie over it? You're gonna have to be the one to call Leonardo Di Caprio and explain this one to him because I'm not bailing you out on this one.

Side note: I wanted to nominate Leo for Best Actor for either 'Catch Me If You Can' or 'Gangs of New York.' Casey overruled both! LEO EXPECTS A CALL CASEY!!!

Score: Jon 6 Casey 0 (Slight hit for the second Jake Delhomme reference. I WIN AGAIN!)

Closing Comments:

Casey: Well, I guess we had a year filled with great controversy over the Academy's picks, but overall (that last category being the exception...which isn't even a category for them), not a whole lot to argue about between the two of us! Doesn't it make you sad that even you and I can agree on something, and yet the Academy still gets it wrong? That's a strong indictment against the Academy.

Jon: I'm just sad we agreed on anything at all! Gonna make the scoring much tougher this time around. Hopefully I can pull out another victory! Oh, and I'm also sad we worked in, not one, but TWO Jake Delhomme references. Dark day for us indeed.

Casey: Wow, my bad...considering this thing took us a year to finish this time, I had forgotten your reference by the time I made mine. Oh well, is there really such a thing as too much ripping on Jake Delhomme? (Hint: 5 interceptions in a home playoff loss to Arizona!) Now quick Jon, go rent 'The Hours' and 'White Oleander' and just keep a firm grip on a football or a picture of Big Ben to ensure preservation of your testosterone.


In all seriousness, these are going to take a good deal of time now given our current situations. They WILL get done though! Don't worry! I know you all are!

Follow me on Twitter: @borisdiawtime
Follow Casey on Twitter: @caseyrichey

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