Monday, April 4, 2011

BDT -- Cam Newton 'Mock' Scouting Report

Don't expect me to believe that smile! You obviously know where the camera is!
In case you were wondering; yes, I'm still alive. Believe me, I was hanging precipitously from the ledge, but the reality is Kentucky had a great run this year. We were in a rebuilding year and we had already gone much further than we really should have. As I've said numerous times, Ohio State was a better team than us, so it's hard to feel too bad after what we've already accomplished. Still, it sucks to lose because you can't make a freaking free throw!

Since, I'm too depressed to talk about basketball, I'll go ahead and run something that has already cheered me up. On last Tuesday's podcast, Prince and I talked about Pro Football Weekly's scouting report of Cam Newton. In case you haven't had a chance to read it, here it is. Scroll on down to the negatives and tell me if you've read anything like that before in your life! I love the 'fake smile' part so much! Since Prince and I openly despise Cam Newton and think he will be a huge NFL bust, we thought it might be fun to try our hands at writing our very own "scouting reports" for Newton. Enjoy!

Note: Prince is a huge Vikings fan, hence the references.


Prince's Scouting Report

Positives: Big, physical runner. Good arm strength.

Negatives: Very inaccurate and very inconsistent passing. Can throw the ball deep, but most often has no idea where it will land. Does not have the ability to make finesse throws which leads to the ball flying over receivers heads or straight into the ground. Cam can only focus on one receiver per play, so if that guy does not get open you're screwed. Cam does not have the vision and composure to go through his progressions on a play, and when it breaks down his only option is to run because he doesn't keep his eyes downfield. Does not make good reads on his throws and often leads his receivers into defenders. Has a difficult time reading a defense, so you can bet on him running and being hit often. Cam is not very intelligent. There are 3 incidents of academic cheating on his resume, so plan on dumbing down your offense in case all of your other QBs get injured and you're forced to put Cam in the game. Cam will be a distraction to any team before he ever shows up to his first practice. Plan on half of your team hating him because they made less money than Cam the year before, and the other half hating him because of his cocky, me first attitude. Be careful putting him in front of reporters. Because of his low intelligence and cockiness he tends to say dumb things like "I want to be an icon and an entertainer." If only Cam wanted to be a football player maybe he could be decent some day.

NFL Comparison: Joe Webb-The Vikings already have him, so there's no point in them drafting Cam

Projected Round Drafted: 3rd (mostly because the Vikings don't have a 3rd round pick and therefore couldn't draft him)

Jon's Scouting Report

Positives: Above average size and athleticism. Excellent arm strength—throws a good deep ball. Physical runner who can keep drives alive with his legs. Championship winner who has shown an ability to ‘win big games.’  Extremely confident in his talents and abilities.

Negatives: Does not process his reads well and struggles to go through his progressions. Too quick to scramble out of the pocket when his first read is covered. Propensity to scramble will result in Newton having his ‘fake smile’ knocked off his face within three games. Constantly throws wobblers. Enjoys littering in public parks. Played in a gimmicky offensive system at Auburn. Is the type of person who quits online games of Madden 11 when he is losing. Works out to the music of Celtic Women. Lacks touch on short to intermediate passes leading to some incredibly horrific INT's. Leads receivers into coverage, will likely force his team to use practice squad receivers due to the extraordinary amount of concussions he will cause. Seems like the type of player who will spend more time at the buffet than in the weight room. Illegally parks in handicap spots. Sucked beyond belief in the National Championship game yet gets unnecessary credit for 'winning' the game. Colin Cowherd already loves Newton and will they will soon be dating. Has a tendency to throw easy passes directly into the ground. Favorite movie is Gigli. Extremely low success rate for QB’s who can’t throw (like Cam). Could potentially become a huge distraction in the locker room. Is bad at football.

Summary: Cam Newton sucks at throwing and will obviously be a huge bust in the NFL. Imagine a faster, but not as high, JaMarcus Russell. DON’T DRAFT HIM! STAY AWAY!

NFL Projection: Obvious fit for the Bengals at #4. He and Andre Smith should become best friends.

So, obviously, we're kidding with a lot of the stuff we wrote. It was just for fun...and also we hate Cam Newton. There has been a bit of controversy surrounding the actual PFW scouting report though. The writer, Nolan Nawrocki, is very well respected in his field, which makes this situation all the more interesting. Cam's advisor, HOFer Warren Moon, has recently come out in support of Newton, claiming the tone of the scouting report was "racially driven." Now, usually I avoid commenting on racial topics. It can be a giant pitfall and, frankly, as a white person, what the heck do I know? I've never been racially profiled or anything, so my expertise on the subject is exactly nada. On this particular topic, however, I have just one thing to say; ARE YOU SERIOUS WARREN MOON?!?!?!?
Look, you may agree with everything Nawrocki said in his scouting report. You may think he's making some things up or he's crossing too many lines with some of his pointed criticisms. I'm sure neither Cam nor his family was thrilled to see comments about his punctuality and smile included in a football scouting report. Here's a little tip for you; if you don't want people to question your character then don't continually do stupid things! Consider the subject for a second. Cam Newton has been involved in three instances of academic cheating, has been arrested and charged with felony burglary after stealing a laptop, and was just involved in one of the most controversial college football scandals in recent memory. We all know he got paid enormous amounts of money to play at Auburn! We all know he cheated the system! Technically speaking, he defrauded the NCAA! So Cam, seriously, are you really surprised we're questioning your character and integrity? Really? Are you really that dumb?
Whether you agree with Nawrocki or not, he has a right to put whatever he wants in Cam's scouting report. He didn't put anything malicious or slanderous about Newton and thus DID NOT cross any lines or say anything racist in nature. Newton's integrity SHOULD be a major issue...except for the Bengals who don't care.


  1. Cam Newton = Akili Smith 3.0

    With Jamarcus Russell being the 2.0 version.

  2. Oh man that's funny! I really wish I would have wrote something about Newton being the lovechild of Akili and JaMarcus. It's perfect!