Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes -- Preseason Week 3 Update

Another week gone by means another opportunity to sadistically mock the ill fortunes of a solid one-third of the league. Who couldn't pass this up? As always, keep in mind that this is preseason. The performance, or lack thereof, by younger QB's bears watching, but things should/will look drastically different by the middle of the regular season.

That having been said, there are some BAD QB's out there! Have I mentioned that before? Probably. Anyways, let's review what went down in Week 3 of the preseason. Once again, I am NOT ranking teams until the beginning of the regular season.

Carolina Panthers

Current Starter: Cam Newton
Last Game: 6-19, 75YDS
Also in the mix: Jimmy Clausen
Last Game: 4-7, 35YDS
Summary: Let me ask you a serious question. Am I a bad person for gleefully cheering when Newton plays badly? Because it really does make me happy. Like, too happy. Seriously Cam, 6-19 passing? You can't hit a TE from 6 yards away? Horrible. Preseason or no, Cam Newton simply can't throw the ball. Gonna be a fun year for Prince and I! (Note: I recently ordered DirecTV. Apparently I get NFL Sunday Ticket free the first year. That, of course, made me pretty excited. Obviously, my immediate joy was in watching the Cowboys play every week...but I'm not lying when I tell you that my second thought was that I would get to witness the destruction of Cam Newton. Sad, I know.)

Cincinnati Bengals

Current Starter: Andy Dalton
Last Game: 11-17, 130YDS, 1TD
Also in the mix: Bruce Gradkowski
Last Game: 7-10, 40YDS
Summary: Well, I guess Dalton is going to be their guy. Honestly, they might as well run him out there, because they aren't winning either way. After a couple rough performances earlier in the preseason, Cincy's Favorite Ginger put up some pretty solid numbers against the Panthers. Most exciting for Bengals fans is the 40YD TD he threw to A.J. Green. I will say this, he's got plenty of weapons. Whether he can use them or not is yet to be seen, but at least there's a tad bit of hope after last Thursday night.

Cleveland Browns

Current Starter: Colt McCoy
Last Game: 9-18, 89YDS, 0TD, 1INT
Summary: Not a great outing by McCoy, but really, who cares? I doubt they were running the good stuff against a tough Eagles defense, so the downer performance is somewhat expected. Honestly, I don't even know why I keep doing a section for the Browns, because I think Colt is gonna be good. Let's just move on.

Washington Redskins

Current Starter: John Beck
Last Game: 6-10, 108YDS, 1TD, 1INT
Also in the mix: Rex Grossman
Last Game: 8-15, 112YDS, 1TD
Summary: I'm gonna be honest, I really think the Redskins are trying their darndest to win these games, because their afraid they will be their only wins on the year. Beck and Grossman have actually performed fairly well during the preseason, which just goes to prove how dumb and meaningless these games are. Quick! Question! If you had to start a franchise with either Cam Newton as your QB or John Beck as your QB, which would you pick? What if you also had the option of starting Rex Grossman at LT? For a minimum of 3 years... Hmm...

Jacksonville Jaguars

Current Starter: David Garrard
Last Game: 11-21, 106YDS
QB of the Future: Blaine Gabbart
Last Game: 6-13, 52YDS, 1TD, 1INT
Summary: No kidding, as I was typing in the 'QB of the Future' part, I totally blanked on Blaine Gabbart's name. Had to look at the box score! Seriously! That's not a good thing Jaguars fan (singular). If I were Wayne Weaver (owner), I'd make a serious proposition to Jack Del Rio. I'd say, "Look, Jack, we've pretty much decided to fire you already. The team stinks, and we have to create a scapegoat so I don't look like the old fool that everybody knows I am. I have a deal for you, though. Do whatever you have to do to land Andrew Luck, and I'll guarantee you get to coach the team next year. I mean WHATEVER you have to do. Do that, and we won't fire you for at least one more season. Deal?" Sounds fair to me.

Buffalo Bills

Current Starter: Ryan Fitzpatrick
Last Game: 11-12, 165YDS, 2TD
Also in the mix: Tyler Thigpen
Last Game: 12-28, 101YDS, 1TD, 2INT
Summary: After posting a Cam Newton-esque 12-28 passing, Thigpen is holding on to his 'Also in the mix' status by the tips of his fingers. In other news, Ralph Wilson probably thinks Ryan Fitzpatrick is actually Jim Kelly after this performance. Sadly for Bills fans, he is not.

Miami Dolphins

Current Starter: Chad Henne
Last Game: 10-13, 175YDS, 1TD
Summary: Whoa Chad Henne! Take it easy! How dare you tease Dolphins fans with an actual good performance, only to shatter their hopes and dreams in the regular season with the harsh reality of your lack of confidence and pocket presence.That's such a cruel thing to do. Oh well, it's Miami...nobody actually cares about sports anyways.

Detroit Lions

Current Starter: Matthew Stafford
Last Game: 12-14, 200YDS, 2TD
Summary: OK, I'm going to have to ask Lions fans to calm down. Please, for your own safety, have a seat and relax for a bit. You won a meaningless preseason game...nothing more. You aren't better than the Patriots, and you aren't going to a Super Bowl. That having been said, I might have to bite the bullet on my 'dislike' of Matthew Stafford. He looks good. I mean really good. HEY EVERYBODY, COME AND SEE HOW GOOD HE LOOKS! Seriously though, Stafford is super impressive. If he keeps playing like this (also if he keeps playing, period) then my 5 win prediction is going to look stupid.

Tennessee Titans

Current Starter: Matt Hasselbeck
Last Game: 12-22, 135YDS
QB of the Future: Jake Locker
Last Game: 2-4, 13YDS
Summary: Umm, did they give up on Locker already or something? I mean, 4 pass attempts in a meaningless preseason game? You can't get him any more work than that? Maybe they read my blog and came to the realistic conclusion that Locker actually sucks...

Minnesota Vikings

Current Starter: Donovan McNabb
Last Game: 12-18, 164YDS, 1TD, 1INT
QB of the Future: Christian Ponder
Last Game: 3-8, 60YDS
Summary: Ponder sucks, what's new?

San Francisco 49ers

Current Starter: Alex Smith
Last Game: 2-6, 17YDS, 0TD, 1INT
QB of the Future: Colin Kaepernick
Last Game: 6-16, 52YDS, 0TD, 1INT
Summary: I can't possibly imagine worse QB play than the 49ers showed against the Texans. Let's not forget, the Texans had the worst secondary in the league last year. I know they added Johnathan Joseph, but still, this is ridiculous. I don't know how it's possible, but I'm actually more down on the 'Niners than I was at the beginning of camp! Casey, tell me if this is an outlandish worst-case scenario for your teams' season. San Fran gets off to a horrible 0-5 start and decides to pull the plug on Alex Smith. They give Kaepernick a look, but after 4 of the worst games in history, they pull the plug on that as well. For the remainder of the year, they go with crappy veterans like Troy Smith, all but guaranteeing themselves the #1 pick. Sound right? It's not impossible...

Seattle Seahawks

Current Starter: Tarvaris Jackson
Last Game: 13-22, 93YDS, 1TD
Also in the mix: Charlie Whitehurst
Last Game: 5-8, 53YDS
Summary: T-Jax wasn't a total joke this past week, which is kind of a shocker in and of itself. Not much more to say about this other than good luck to Charlie Whitehurst and his child molester beard when he gets inserted into the lineup for Week 4.

Denver Broncos

Current Starter: Kyle Orton
Last Game: 16-23, 236YDS, 1TD, 1INT
ESPN's Favorite Whipping Boy: Tim Tebow
Last Game: 6-11, 93YDS
Summary: The solid play of Orton doesn't help thei Luck standing, but injuries to D.J. Williams and Broderick Bunkley do! There's not much to say about Orton here. He's a good QB, and you expect him to perform at a solid level. Once again, Tebow looks fairly solid when he plays, but is ripped to shred by Merrill Hoge, whom we all know is a major QB know, since he played FB. FREE TEBOW!!!

Arizona Cardinals

Current Starter: Kevin Kolb
Last Game: 11-20, 205YDS, 1TD
Summary: Kolb's stats are a bit inflated by the 80YD TD pass to Fitzy, but the fact that those two look to have a solid connection is a major positive for Arizona. Given the issues in Seattle and San Francisco, it looks like Arizona will have way too many gimme's on the schedule to compete for Luck. Of course, if the injury prone Kolb goes down...John Skelton? Just saying.


  1. Troy Smith is off our roster (went off to your area to go get some free tattoos), so at this point it would be Josh McCown. If your scenario plays out, there's a good chance Daunte Culpepper will be getting ANOTHER call around Thanksgiving time... (Interesting side-story here: McCown's best career performance came in 2005, when he torched the 49ers' secondary for 385 yds in the NFL's first-ever game played in Mexico City! Tim Rattay was so hideous that in the 4th quarter, he was pulled for new #1-overall draft pick Alex Smith, who completed his first 6 NFL passes. McCown got the start thanks to a groin injury to Cardinals' QB Kurt Warner.)

    Question - what are the odds Tebow is still sitting in a Broncos uniform by the end of the year? I mean, they've now demoted him to about 7th on their QB roster... and teams like Miami are fielding the Henne/Moore special. If he's really worth THAT LITTLE to Denver, why wouldn't a team with absolutely no hope at QB pay a late draft pick to give Tebow a chance? Maybe Jim Harbaugh is reading your blog......

  2. Answer - The Broncos are stupid and they want to hoard as many QB's as possible while getting the least return on their investment.

    Also, the 49ers should call Jeff Garcia. Seroiusly. How could it be worse?

  3. Jax should literally give away Garrard, Gabbert, and some fine southern BBQ to Denver straight up for Tebow, it would be far better than what is going on in this city right now...epic preseason overtime battle with the Bills!! Thank god I have the Sunday ticket for my Pats this year since if this Jags team actually avoid blackouts I would have been forced to watch them!!!

  4. Oh wait I forgot NM the Lions are now better than us. THIS JUST IN FROM MERRILL "PRISONER OF THE MOMENT" HODGE: Stafford is now better than Brady. BTW...6 years 100 mil. to Mike Vick??? Well time to start building up the dog fighting equipment inventory again.

  5. You stop with the Mike Vick hate! It's a freaking dog!!! Also, there's literally no chance that JAX avoids blackouts...none.

  6. I'm guessing you didn't know that Ponder entered the game with 62 seconds left in the fourth quarter and no timeouts. He drove them down to about the 20 before time ran out when the teams #5 TE couldn't get out of bounds. Also, Ponder had to spike the ball during the drive so I think he was actually better than what the stats show. Right now there is a battle for the #2 QB in Minnesota between Ponder and Webb and in that game Webb got a much longer look and went 4-7 for 81 yards, plus ran twice for 46 yards and a score. Ponder is supposedly going to play a lot in the 4th preseason game and that will be the first real look at him. I wouldn't be surprised if Webb starts the season as #2, especially because of the shortened off season.

  7. I'm well aware of what the situation is. I said Ponder sucks because it's not good that he's in a "battle" with Joe Webb. Also because he sucks.